Bread & Circuses
by Aviv b
Summary: Ianto and Jack have a little disaster in Ianto's kitchen.


**Summary: What it says on the box. Jack and Ianto have a disaster in the kitchen.****  
**This was originally written for a schmoop bongo challenge over on LJ. The prompt was **Kitchen Disaster****  
**Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual innuendo

* * *

Ianto sighed as he looked around the ruins of his kitchen. _"Only have myself to blame. I knew I shouldn't have listened to Jack." _Now he was going to have to spend his entire Sunday cleaning up the mess. And did Jack stay to help? Of course not, he was off chasing a weevil. He could have called Owen or Gwen to handle the weevil, but Ianto had to wonder if Jack hadn't somehow willed the creature to become a menace as a means of avoiding the onerous job ahead.

Well, no use crying over spilled milk, Ianto thought, smiling ruefully as he realized how apt that expression was under the circumstances. As he tried to determine the best way to tackle the mess, his doorbell rang. _"What now."_ He just hoped it wasn't his neighbor Mrs. McGillicudy stopping by for a chat. He really didn't have the patience to deal with her nattering on about her cat and if she saw the kitchen, he had no idea how he was going to explain what had happened. He decided to ignore the doorbell and start by getting out a stepstool.

It began innocently enough. A rift alert yesterday had sent Jack and Ianto off to Splott. When they got to the site of the energy burst they found themselves in a deserted industrial park. The precise location was where an ironworks had once stood; it had been torn down some years prior and now was an overgrown weedy lot with bits of this and that strewn about.

"We're going to have to sweep this area; it looks like its just old pieces of junk strewn around but be careful. Don't touch anything that looks unfamiliar. I'll start at the far corner, you start at this end and we'll cross the field in rows until we meet in the middle. And seriously, if you see anything odd, signal me immediately."

During the first half hour they found nothing even remotely of interest. Jack saw Ianto reach down to examine something and signaled him on his com. "What have you got there?"

"It looks like an old coffee tin. I've also seen several pieces of pipe, some nuts and screws, paperclips, tobacco wrappers, and one condom, used."

"Yeah, my finds are about as exciting. A dead bird, a cracked plastic cup, assorted nails, four plastic forks and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar issue for 1999."

They continued to search back and forth across the field for another hour. Suddenly Ianto spotted something that looked familiar, but somehow wasn't. "Jack, there's something odd here. Come and take a look."

"What is it?"

"Don't laugh, it looks like a toaster. A toaster out of a Jetson's cartoon."

Jack jogged over, looked at the object Ianto had found and began to laugh. "That's exactly what it is," he said picking up the small ceramic object. "From the 23rd century, I think, the Auto-Toaster by Moonbeam. Quite a hit from what I've read."

"But it's just a toaster. No, don't tell me, it washes the dishes when it's done."

Jack snorted. "No, nothing so dramatic, but it has some interesting enhancements. Let's take it back to the Hub and I'll show you."

They moved the toaster off the field and scanned the area again, not finding any residual energy readings. "Well that looks like our culprit," Ianto said. "At least it's something small and benign for once."

Back at the Hub, Ianto scrubbed the toaster clean. "It is rather nice looking," Ianto conceded. Jack had wanted to demonstrate its advances at the Hub, but finding that they were out of bread, they took the toaster back to Ianto's flat.

"The ceramic design stays cool on the outside," Jack explained, "which is much safer than the standard metal toaster. The bread feeds in at one end and comes out toasted at the other end."

"Well that doesn't seem so special."

"Ah but it's at the end where the fun begins. Do you have any bread?"

As luck would have it, Ianto had a full loaf he had bought earlier in the week. Jack fed a piece into the toaster. "Now you'll have to take my word for it, but see these buttons on the side? They add toppings to the bread. The 'bee' icon would honey, the fruit would be jam, the yellow rectangle is butter," he said pressing that button.

"Of course, nothing will happen…" Jack continued as he grabbed the finished toast from the far end of the gadget, "because there won't have been any toppings loaded…"

"Jack, that toast appears to be buttered," Ianto said in amazement.

"Well so it is." Before Ianto could stop him, Jack had taken a bite.

"Jack, that butter could be rancid, who knows how long…"

"It's delicious, Ianto, seriously, take a bite." Ianto looked at the toast doubtfully but after some cajoling from Jack, took a bite.

"Mmmm…that's pretty good."

"Yeah, this toaster probably got grabbed into the rift right off someone's breakfast table."

"Let's try the jam, then," Ianto said feeding another slice into the toaster and pressing the little fruit icon. Out came a perfectly toasted piece of bread with strawberry jam. And the best part was that the jam was evenly spread over the toast with no bare spots. "This is genius," Ianto said his mouth half stuffed with toast.

By the end of the evening, the two men had eaten almost the whole loaf of bread and had drunk almost a half of the liter container of milk that they had opened. They discovered several more buttons on the other side of the toaster and had tried all the settings. There was another jam setting – grape this time, cream cheese, and peanut butter.

As they devoured the last piece of peanut butter toast, they both began to laugh. "This is the best invention since sliced bread," Ianto declared, as he drank the last of his milk.

Jack tried to talk but the peanut butter was making it a bit difficult. Instead he leaned over and gave Ianto a sloppy kiss. Ianto began to laugh and spit some of the milk in Jack's face.

"Oi, watch it there."

"Sorry, sorry, let me make it up to you," Ianto said wiping Jack's face.

"You'll have to do better than that."

"Yeah, well if you follow me, I think we can heat up a few other things tonight."

Jack eagerly followed Ianto toward his bedroom. "I still have a taste for some bread, especially your buns." Jack teased as he pinched Ianto's arse.

"I swear Jack if you make a crack about hot dogs next you are going to be sooo sorry," Ianto snarked.

"Me? Why would you think I would make a wiener joke?"

"Shut up and get your clothes off," Ianto ordered.

"I love it when you're bossy," Jack laughed as they fell onto the bed together.

Back in the kitchen, all was quiet. There was no one around to notice when the lights on the toaster started flashing.

Ianto got up feeling wonderful the next morning. The yummy toast, followed by even yummier Jack; life couldn't be any better. He stumbled into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee but froze when he stepped into something sticky. Maybe they had dropped a bit of jam or honey on the floor last night.

He reached over to the wall and turned on the lights.

"_What the fuck!_" "Jack get in here!"

Jack wasn't fully awake when Ianto started yelling, but he was by the time Ianto reached the "if you don't get your arse in here this minute I'm going to kill you Jack" stage. He ran to the kitchen stepped on the tile floor and skidded across the floor.

Looking down he was horrified to see the floor covered in butter and jam and honey. He turned and looked at Ianto in dismay. "What…what's going on?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

At that very moment, the toaster made a beeping sound and a piece of toast shot across the room.** WOOSH.** Ianto had to duck to avoid getting hit by it. It struck the wall and stuck there. A little bit of strawberry jam oozed out from between the toast and the wall. Another beep sounded and **WOOSH,** another slice of toast flew across the room hitting the refrigerator door before sliding to the floor.

"Jack, your toaster's gone rogue on us," Ianto said frantically looking around the kitchen. "Oh my god, look up," Ianto said his voice rising in panic.

Jack looked up. Perhaps his timing could have been better as at that very moment one of the numerous pieces of toast stuck on the ceiling lost its hold and managed to invert itself as it headed toward the floor. The good news was that it didn't make the floor any worse; the bad news was that it hit Jack squarely in the face. **SPLAT**. As Jack looked down the toast slid off him to the floor leaving him with a purple coating on his face.

Ianto was about to go off into another tirade, when he made eye contact with Jack. Jack looked so bewildered that Ianto couldn't stop himself from laughing. At the same time more beeping was heard and two additional pieces of toast flew out of the toaster and plastered themselves to the kitchen light fixture.

"Help, help," Ianto said as he doubled over with laughter, "call Torchwood. We're being attacked by a toaster armed with biological weapons." Another piece of toast fell from the ceiling, this time onto Ianto's head. **PLOP**. A little honey dripped down his face. Jack leaned over and licked it off.

"Oh no you don't. No fooling around until this is cleaned up."

Before Jack could protest, his wrist band began to beep. "Weevil."

"Right, don't try that with me…"

**BEEP!** "Incoming," cried Ianto as he ducked under the kitchen table to avoid getting hit by the flying toast.

"Seriously Ianto, a weevil is running around the IKEA store. Fortunately the store isn't open to the public yet, but I've got to get over there now. I'll come back and help you clean up, I promise."

The toaster began to beep persistently **WOOSH. WOOSH. WOOSH. **Three more pieces of toast shot across the room knocking over the carton of milk they had forgotten to put away the previous evening sending a shower of milk all over the room.

"And what am I supposed to do about the possessed toaster. Stand here and catch pieces of flying toast until you get back?"

Jack smiled. He walked over to the toaster and unplugged it. "Well that's sorted." He gave Ianto a quick kiss, grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe his feet and headed back to the bedroom to finish getting dressed.

"Hold down the fort Ianto, don't let them take you alive," Jack snarked as he headed out the door.

**SPLAT**. Another piece of toast had fallen off the ceiling onto the kitchen floor.

The doorbell would not stop ringing. "_Who the hell would be so persistent? __Jack has a key...oh no not my sister..." _He looked out the peephole and saw that it was, in fact, Jack. He opened the door and was about to yell at Jack for not using his key when he saw several people standing behind him.

"Well, took care of that little problem across town, now its time to take care of your problem. I've brought you some Merry Maids." Ianto went to speak but couldn't think of anything to say.

"Yeah, they'll clean up the kitchen and we'll go out for breakfast." Jack led the cleaners into the kitchen entrance where they stood gaping in amazement. "An art project gone wrong …you know how these creative types are," Jack said rolling his eyes for effect. "Come on Picasso, breakfast awaits."

As they drove to breakfast Jack told Ianto that he had figured out what had happened. "I'd forgotten but there was a prototype for an advanced model that came out about twenty years after the original. It had a small replicator in it so you only needed one piece of bread and a sample of fillings to get started. It was a big hit until…well you saw for yourself… it started to malfunction. There was one incident in particular that led to a complete recall. A woman came home to find her two dogs and her cat plastered in toast and her Vastuvian miniature bear rolling on the kitchen floor in pain. Apparently the dogs were trying to catch the flying toast and the cat; well he unfortunately got caught in the crossfire. Poor animals had to be shaved. The bear had eaten several loaves worth of toast and had to have her stomach pumped. The public was outraged."

They sat in the diner and ordered breakfast. Ianto asked for scrambled eggs and fried potatoes. Jack had a ham and cheese omelet and fruit.

"Would you like toast with that," the waiter innocently asked.

"**NO!** Sorry, no toast please." both men answered in unison.

They arrived back home just as the Merry Maids were packing up. Ianto's kitchen had been scrubbed from ceiling to floor. Jack gave the crew a generous tip and sent them on their way.

"I have to admit," Ianto said looking at his gleaming kitchen, "they did a very nice job." Then he spotted the toaster still on the counter. "And that is getting cataloged and stored in the archive so no one else has a toaster attack."

"You know it was kind of fun until the toaster went berserk. You, me, delicious toppings…" Jack said with a sigh.

Ianto kissed Jack on the cheek as he went to sit down in the lounge. "Can we just stick to whipped cream and chocolate sauce like most people?"

"Is that a promise?"

"It is unless you make any dessert jokes. Cause if you do, you're toast."


End file.
